I Will Follow You Into The Dark
by ButterBritches
Summary: This is a collection of sad, angry, and/or bitter one-shots involving Gail and Holly.
1. Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Gail had played piano growing up. It was a compulsory activity like the majority of things she did outside of her bedroom while others her age were coming into their own. While they explored, and laughed, and kissed, Gail resisted and grew rigid and bitter. She refused anything positive that may have come as the result of her mother's mandatory exercises. Piano was no different. Although Gail was quite a gifted piano player, she despised it. When she played, all she could hear was her mother. The high notes filled the rafters of the room with her mother's fake laugh, the one pleading with everyone to notice her at every gala and charity event she attended. The low notes slid along the floor carrying the serious tone of her mothers unabashed bragging or perhaps of the "inspiring" criticism meant to encourage Gail to achieve Elaine's loft expectations. Now, the feeling of the ivory under fingers summoned up the repulsion that had wedged itself solidly between her gut and her heart.

But, still, Gail loved music. The hours Gail spent in her bedroom away from the instigatory words of her mother were spent listening to it. She listened to it to feel all the things she thought she should be feeling through her own experiences. She opened herself up and invited the words in to break her apart and build her back up. She sang along, quietly, feeling the notes ring in her chest and throat when she hit them just right. It was emotionally freeing. She loved it and she was good at it, and, more importantly, it was something that was just hers.

And that's how it remained . . . hers. Years passed. Lovers came and went, and then came and went again. No one cared enough to really try to get to know her. Or maybe it was that she didn't care enough about anyone else to open up and let them in. All those days and nights of living through the music were still the most living and feeling she had ever done. So she kept the music locked away, aside from the occasional singing along with the radio or drunken karaoke escapade.

Until Holly.

Gail's fingers walked slowly over the strings of the guitar, letting each note ring in the empty room that was Holly's bedroom. Holly loved to play guitar. Like, she really just loved it in a way that Gail recognized. Holly was a kindred spirit. She fingered the strings with the same reverence with which she caressed Gail. It wasn't uncommon for the acts of veneration to actually occur in succession. They spent several evenings in Holly's living room, naked or wrapped in blankets with Holly playing and Gail singing, over-dramatically emoting and laughing, or legitimately feeling with tear filled eyes over the beauty of the songs.

Holly told Gail that she had to learn. It was part of her lesbian heritage.

"Be all you can be, Gail." Holly smirked and strummed a few measures of Closer to Fine.

So here Gail was in this empty room, cradling an acoustic guitar. Her fingers moved on the strings in the familiar pattern of their favorite song. She let those motions be ghosts of Holly's fingers on her skin. She let the notes be Holly's breath on her skin. As she sang, she let the words remind her that she would never feel those things again. She would never love or be loved like that again.

Holly was gone. She left today. Gail had let her go.

With Holly, Gail was as whole as she could ever be, the cost of which was to become more broken than she ever thought possible. In the end, it was Holly's beloved science which destroyed any hopes of divinity their love may have inspired in Gail. The Theory of Relativity and Newton's Third Law of Motion claimed victory in this battle. Love was a cruel fucking joke. Gail was worse off for having loved Holly. She would never be okay again. She wondered if she knew she could feel this bad, if she still would have allowed herself to love in the first place. Then again, she wasn't even sure she "allowed" herself this time. Holly was the unstoppable force. A beautiful gust of brown-eyed devastation.

Now Gail truly knew what it was like to be broken in a way songs only hinted at. She used to be in awe at the depths of anguish songs could express. She thought she could feel the lives shatter in those words. She could feel the reasons for living carried away in the measures of woven notes. But the feelings the music inspired, before this song, this farewell ballad to Holly, and to Happy Gail, were only whispers of misery.

As she sang the final "Hallelujah" she let go, let the pieces fall in this empty room where they used to make beautiful music together. Now, there was no music left for her. No song that wouldn't be a reminder of Holly. No song that wouldn't be a reminder that it would have been better to never had loved at all.


	2. The Leap and the Fall

Gail had been left again. Although the second time she and Holly walked away from each other the steps were taken simultaneously, there had been no consolation in the mutuality. It only served to double the pace at which they put the distance between them. They both knew that any time they spent together in the two weeks prior to Holly leaving would only serve to make the goodbye harder, so they made a hasty decision to just part ways. A long-distance relationship seemed unfair at a time when both women were acting on life-altering decisions. It would just be adding stress to stress. They decided the same was true of a friendship. Both agreed that the prospect of either of them moving on and dating someone else would be too difficult, but that they didn't want to dissuade that scenario because each wished the other happiness.

It was true. Gail did wish Holly happiness. She just wished it could be with her.

This was all Gail's fault. The reason for this second parting was brought on by the seemingly insurmountable circumstances that arose during the time they were apart as a result of Gail's pivotal, and, now, defining fuck-up. Gail created the situation that forced them into making difficult decisions alone, decisions that forced them into the current impasse. If she had not walked away from Holly the first time, everything that ripped them apart now could have brought them closer together and strengthened what they might have actually been able to call a relationship. But Gail proved again that she wasn't girlfriend material. She took a feeling and magnified it inside herself until it seeped out in cutting words and the unconquerable urge to walk away. She had wanted to hurt Holly. She had seen her victory manifest in the tears barely contained in Holly's eyes right before Gail turned to leave. Insecurity was forced into anger by habit. For Gail anger was a deep rut, blinding her to everything outside of the steep-sided narrow path to destruction. And as had always been so with Gail, when she started to weaken, wanting to call or see Holly, she replayed the scene from The Penny in her head. She poked and prodded the new scar tissue so delicately protecting the wound to her self-esteem that Lisa's words had caused. Weak self-esteem with a fragile scar was no defense for the relentless reminders of Gail's inadequacy and Holly's emotional nonchalance in that moment at the bar.

Without Holly, Gail reverted, building up the walls brick-by-brick. Holly called, and called, and called. Gail just replayed the scene, and stacked the bricks.

"She deserves better," Gail told herself.

"Once she really figured out who I was, she would have left."

"I have nothing to offer her."

"I would have eventually fucked it up."

Brick. Brick. Brick. Brick.

She wasn't good enough for Holly. Holly couldn't be serious about someone as damaged as she was, could she? "I'm having fun." That was what she told Lisa after Lisa rambled on and on about why Gail and Holly couldn't work.

They didn't break up. They hadn't even been together long enough to call it a relationship. The words "I love you," had never been exchanged. Gail knew, though. They had been in love. And, despite its brevity, it had been more of a relationship than Gail had ever been in before. She had opened up to Holly, and Holly had reciprocated, granting her a semblance of balance and control in unfamiliar territory.

Gail recalled the night that Holly had admitted that she felt afraid. She was afraid that she would love Gail with her whole heart and it still wouldn't be enough. But Holly was brave. She didn't let a 'maybe' or even a 'probably' change her course. She stayed and accepted the risk. Gail became more hollow each time she recalled how patient, caring, and just plain wonderful Holly had been during their time together. Holly had seen Gail stumble and had been there to catch her. Under the dark skies of Gail's memories and perceived inadequacies, Holly had been there, pulling her out of raging storms.

And Gail, well, Gail just fucking sucked. Holly had believed in everything Gail was and could be, and Gail just believed that Holly didn't know her, and that she couldn't possibly love her.

In a blink, Gail blew it. She let all Holly's previous actions fall prey to dismissive words in a bar - words likely meant merely to stave off confrontation. Memories became lost in doubt, and doubt became lost in anger. Because that's where emotions usually lead Gail. She had a natural propensity to negative emotions, emotions that made her feel vulnerable, and her gift was to turn those into strength, into anger.

But this time the anger didn't make her feel strong.

This fuck up would only define her until she unfucked it or until she managed to do something even worse to top it. But there wasn't really anything worse she could do, was there? This wasn't even a life she had anymore. It was a guarantee that her breaths would be wasted because all she could do was wish things had been different. She woke up each day willing the day would be done so that she could put time between this moment and the moment she turned away from Holly. Time was supposed to make everything better.

The days crept by. Things didn't get better.

There was really only one decision to be made. She could go to Holly and be honest. Tell her that she needed her and would do anything to be with her. Or she could stay here and hope that things would work out with Sophie. No matter what choice was made, someone would get hurt. Both options were simultaneously right and wrong. It was a shitty corner Gail had backed herself into. But Gail also knew that it was do or die time. Actually, it was do something different or die, because what she was doing now was dying a little bit more every day.

And that was her answer. She was already here, already working to make Sophie her family, but it wasn't sustaining her. The doubts about her ability to be a what Sophie needed seemed to be stacking up. How could she be what Sophie needed when she hadn't been able to make any other relationship in her life work? At least the others had an out. They could leave. But Sophie wouldn't have that same option.

The truth was Gail didn't want to do it alone. She did want to be a mother, but she wanted it to be with Holly.

This is the time where Gail could try to bury the overwhelming knowledge that Holly was her person. She could bombard herself with the reasons it was right to let things remain as they were, trying to convince herself that the right course of action was inaction. But she also knew that deep down at a level that she didn't control, that when something is right, you just know it in your very existence. And, if in a moment of weakness she convinced herself to do anything else now other than to go to Holly, she would regret it later, and she would most likely end up hurting someone else as a result.

With the force of fear opposing her, she had to conjure up the faith and hope to power the leap. She had to hope that Holly would feel the same, that Holly would love her back. She had to have faith that, no matter what, Sophie would be okay. She had to hope that if Holly refused her, that she would still be in a better place than she was now.

But hope and faith were not among Gail's strengths, especially when they relied on her own actions.

The truth was, that if the leap she was about to take wasn't enough to traverse the chasm she created between her and Holly, she hoped the fall would completely shatter her. She would welcome that destruction. Her inability to bend deserved to break her. Hurting Holly, beautiful, amazing Holly, beyond forgiveness would warrant whatever waited at the bottom of the blackness.

So here it was. She would end up in pieces, or she would be made whole. Either would be a welcome change to this current state of limbo. She would love Holly with or without hope or faith. She had to. And whatever hopes she could summon, hoping that Holly would turn her life around to accommodate her could not be amongst them. Gail had to go in knowing that she would do whatever it took to be with Holly. Gail was willing to sacrifice herself.

As she typed out the text she could feel a little light in her. This was right, however it ended.

_Hi Holly. I really need to see you._


	3. A Letter From Gail to Holly

Dear Holly,

I don't trust my words. We both know that I sometimes fall short at saying the things that I need to, the things that I feel. But there are things I need to say to you, so I have stolen the words. Most of these words are from songs, ones that we have shared, ones that remind me of you, ones that express what I couldn't. They are from my heart. I need you to hear.

That night at the bar, I felt so small beside all the things I knew that you deserved, things I thought I could never be, never give you. Lisa's words echoed my fear that I wasn't good enough for you. Her words triggered the sounds in my head, the little voices whispering that I should go, that I should run from you, for you.

I never stopped and asked, "What do we become if I hide, if I run?"

Collapsing under the heaviness of habit, I let my feet carry me in the exact opposite direction that my heart wanted to go. I made the decision to continue tripping and stumbling and walking in circles, to continue living half a life.

I let uncertainty win.

I didn't know what this would be, what we could be, but I knew that I didn't see what you thought you saw in me. So I jumped the gun, so sure that you would eventually figure out what your freinds already seemed to know. I was ready for the worst before any damage was done. I sabotaged us just like I have done with every other relationship in my life. I was hiding my heart away, blinding myself to your light, trying to convince myself that if I never saw the sun shine then maybe I wouldn't mind the rain.

But there is beauty in the rain: the beauty of the rain is how it falls.

There is the same beauty in love. I didn't know that then because I was afraid to fall. So I stayed away, lost count of the days that were wasted. I was scared to fix what I had broke, so I just faced the other way, finding new ways not to say words I should have said, that I needed to say, that I needed you to hear. Every day I didn't talk to you was a mistake. Every time I ignored you, I was letting you slip away. I know this now.

I am writing this letter, because I wouldn't bend. And now I am broken. This is my fault.

You've seen the worst of me, Holly

I need you to know that you were my calm after the storm. You were and are my "I want nothing more". You were the one who finally cut all my ropes and let me fall. And I am still falling. But now that you are gone, now that I let you go, I am just thrashing hopelessly through thin air.

I love you, and I'm a fool for waiting so long to let you know. But I need you to know. Those words I never said are all I can hear. I want them to be all you hear too. I want to say them to you every day, in person.

I love you Holly Stewart.

I have spent my whole life building a dock to keep me safely above the surface of feeling. But the entire time I was with you that dock was slowly sinking. Now you're gone and I am lost inside an ocean, drowning in regrets, drowning in love.

Please, Holly, tell me that you didn't bring me out here to drown. I am ten feet under and upside down, and I need you to pull me up. I need you. I've never needed anyone, but I need you. Without you I am not really living. I feel like barely survivng has become my purpose. I feel like I have to die inside just to carry on breathing.

I can't be a mother to Sophie when I feel like this. It isn't fair. I can't give Sophie a home without you, because I don' t have a home without you. My home is wherever you are.

So here I am, counting the steps between us. Millions of little blades in a line from your skin to mine, and I feel them. I will feel them for as long as we aren't together. I will let them bleed me dry until there isn't a bit of your skin that I haven't kissed, until I feel your breath on mine again, until I've shown you how much it's possible to be loved.

Please, Holly, say we can be together, here, there, somewhere new. I don't care. I will follow you anywhere. I need you to know, today, I'll wait for you always. I have no choice. You're the only thing that's right in my lifetime.

I was wrong at the bar. I can give you what you deserve. You deserve to be loved like I love you.

Please let me.

Love,

Gail


End file.
